Watch out, Steve Jobs. My company is the next Apple.

Hello, if you're new to my blog, read the following posts:
Say Hello to iPoor
9 Reasons Why iPoor is Better than iPhone
Why I Created the iPoor
iPoor Sales to Surpass iPhone by 27%
How to Get a Free iPhone: 20+ Contest Sites

Refurbished iPhone vs. Unrefurbished iPoor

Clearly feeling the heat from the iPoor’s pricetag (under $10), Apple is now offering refurbished iPhones at $100 less than their full retail price.

In an interview following this announcement, a spokesperson for Apple said “We are specifically targeting impoverished individuals and families with this price reduction.”

“Now everyone can afford an iPhone”

Uhhh….sorry Mr. Jobs, but unless my C+ in junior math is wrong, your phones will still cost $399 or $499. The iPoor is under $10, and it’s 100% unrefurbished.

So–you’ve shelled out your life’s savings on an iPhone–don’t panic! You can donate your phone to some amazing charitable organizations. How about supporting the preservation of the Congo with the Living Desert? Or you can choose how you want your donation used with Collective Good.

Donate your iPhone and upgrade–buy an iPoor on L-Day 2 (date TBD soon!)

donate_1.jpg

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7 Sites Every Productivity Geek Should Avoid

Here are some time wasters I’ve been playing with lately at the office, while pretending to work hard. (something I’m not proud of, and don’t suggest you should do, unless you work for Google, where this sort of thing is expected and encouraged.)

1. Spying on people (Steve Jobs) using Google Street Map

steve jobs house

We feel a bit stalkerish posting this, but what the hell. As Street View fever sweeps the nation, even the rich can no longer keep their privacy private. We’re looking forward to the day we can watch ourselves live blogging on Google Earth. Source


2. Spelling your name (or whatever else) with Flickr

I P O O P1010393

Spell with Flickr is a fun little program that invites users to type in whatever they want to, then matches each letter of that word with letter pictures. And of course, I spelled iPoor, the iPhone killer.

3. Morphing faces.

hitler britney spears

Is this Adolf Hitler or Britney Spears? Actually, it’s both. From the page: “MorphThing morphs faces: give it two people and it’ll combine them, to create a new person with the facial features of both.” You can upload your own pictures too.

4. Pop this bubble wrap

A virtual bubble wrap popper. Strangely satisfying and de-stressing. If the internet up ended and burned tomorrow, if it no longer existed we would still know that for a time there was a web page that brought true meaning and satisfaction to our lives.

5. String Spin

Create your own beautiful, and unexpected effects with spinning lines you draw yourself. It makes your scribbles/doodles into a three dimension spinning artwork.

6. Passive Aggressive Notes

funny sign note

A blog showing actual notes written by angry folks who objected to the behavior of their roommates, housemates, office-mates, and so on. Passive aggression is the funniest kind of aggression.

7. The iPhone Killer.

iphone killer
iPoor is a revolutionary phone for poor people. It goes down to the basics with only 4 calling options, allowing you to memorize phones numbers and thus increasing your IQ. It also improves your dating life, with the Am I Hot Widget ™, a mirror located in front of the phone. It has Multi-Touch Technology and tactile feedback (you can choose to press multiple buttons at the same time), comes with mapping capabilities (real maps in the package!).

If you like iPhones, you’ll also probably be interested in this resource: How to Get a Free iPhone, Over 20 Contest sites and 27 iPod Ads with Video and Lyrics.

Bonus

I feel bad for wasting your time. To redeem myself, here are 8 Practical Tips to Cure Your Internet ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). If you have no idea why you’re still reading this, then you should probably check What Should I Do With My Life? If your boss is complaining about you wasting time on the internet, email him or her (anonymously, of course) this article How to Stop Complaining.

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Sergey Brin Stole my girlfriend

Someone sent me an anonymous email confirming my suspicions.

“…I saw someone driving a Toyota Prius and flirting with that girl you like. He looks a lot like one of those Google founders, Sergey Brin? I wasn’t sure who it was at first, but I overheard something about a backrub and a Google Map on his private jet. I’m really sorry…”

Hey Sergey, why don’t you leave my girl alone and go after Marrisa Mayer or something? What happened to “Do no Evil”? I’d better not see any pictures of you and my girl at the Google Dance tonight.

Since you’re being such a jerk, I’m going to post that ridiculous picture of you in a drag. Sorry, but you asked for it.

sergey brin drag

Above is the lovely Sergey Brin in drag, looking as scary as the evil girl in “The Ring.” Tell all your friends.

 

iPoor supporters:

A big thank you to the following sites who have been supporting iPoor. Here’s some link love: AppleAre.com , http://www.fadarcade.com/ and http://www.oneweekspecial.com/ Want to some link love too? Contact Steve.

 

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Broken Heart Delays iPoor Launch

People keep asking me ‘When can I get an iPoor, Steve?’

I know–we were supposed to launch on on July 29th…but then we hit a bit of a snag when a crazy iPoor fan, Greg Parker and his group of jedi-geeks flooded my basement with raw sewage. L-Day 2 has been slow in coming, and here’s the reason why.

A girl broke my heart.

Irma, the extremely hot cashier, shot me down (see How do I Talk…). I got iPoor’s co-founder, Nowoziak, to go down to Keynotes Hardware and ask her out for me. Apparently, she already has a rich boyfriend (probably a jerk with more money than God himself )

So, instead of pouring myself into preparations for L-Day 2, I’ve been pouring myself shot after shot of Jager.

How come really, really smart guys, who also happen to be revolutionary geniuses, always finish last? I knew I should’ve written her a poem! Nowozniak has moved into the bunkbed in iPoor Ltd. HQ’s spare bedroom to help in my time of need.

On the upside, it looks like we’ve been making some progress in securing Guy Kawasaki as the official iPoor Evangelist (see ‘iPoor Needs a Guy’). Watch for an update on this soon.

In the meantime, I’m going back to curling up in fetal positions and sobbing uncontrollably.

Words of consolation welcome…

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Why iPhone’s Battery should use Coal Power

A second class-action lawsuit has been filed against Apple and AT&T. See story here.

Apparently, the twin megaliths of evil were not completely honest regarding the iPhone’s battery life and the cost of replacing it. This pathetic excuse for a battery lasts only 300 charges, and will cost more than $100 to replace.

Poor battery life sucks. Well, one of the things we do better than everyone else here at iPoor Ltd. is eliminating the suck. I’ve been using our launch delay to improve on some of the iPoor’s features. This backlash against batteries has caused me to search out an alternative energy source for our revolutionary phone.

One word: coal.

Cheap, sustainable, environmentally friendly, and found in Christmas stockings everywhere. Just pop a hunk in the back of your iPoor, throw in some kindling, light a match, and you’re dialing out for pizza!

Now I just need to work out a few small kinks in the miniature turbine, tweak the thermodynamic efficiency, and I think this could really fly. As usual, we’re lightyears ahead of the competition.

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Weird men want to marry me

I want you, baby.Ever since I released the amazing iPoor, I’ve been getting strange emails - marriage proposals from men. Is that a sure sign of success?

Here’s one of them:

(name changed to protect the innocent)

Brian: Would you Marry Me ?

Steve: That depends. What do you have to offer?

Brian: Nothing really :( I just want a free iPoor ….So, i got to the idea that getting married to you, could be a good way of getting one …..Regards … or namaste, or that thing..

Steve: ….

Now I know what Steve Jobs feels like.

What would you reply to this? I am lost for words.

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What’s your favorite iPod song?

So what’s your favorite iPod song?

I made a complete list of the 27 iPod ads officially released on TV. It’s based on the Wikipedia list which actually has 24 ads but I added 3 more.

You can watch the video AND read the lyrics. Enjoy.

ipodads_ipoor_1_1.jpg

Here are some my favorites:

Feel Good Inc
Mi Swing Es Tropical
What are yours?

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Apple Settles for Lennon, we get Van Winkle

On Tuesday, Apple announced the addition of John Lennon to their iTunes catalogue. Big freakin’ deal. While those yokels at Apple go chasing after insignificant, long dead artists–we here at iPoor have locked down a visceral, current, and pretty much alive, musical prodigy.

We have secured the entire back catalogue of Rob Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, aka V-Ice. Maybe you’ve heard of him–he’s sold 20 million albums. We’ve got everything–from ‘Ice, Ice Baby’ to ‘Ice, Ice Baby Remixed’, to ‘Insane Killas’, to ‘Ice, Ice, Baby Millenium Remix (featuring Limp Bizkit)’.

We’re not sure what we’re gonna do with the songs yet–the iPoor’s dynamic monophonic speaker is only capable of playing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’. But when we finally figure it out and unleash Van Winkle, you can bet the competition will be caught ‘Ice Cold’.

vanilla3_1.jpg
iPoor - our finger on the pulse of America’s youth

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AT&T is staffed by Tree Haters

AT&T is staffed by Tree Haters.

Proof of Tree Discrimination has been posted on Justine Ezarik’s blog. Justine received her first iPhone bill from AT&T in a box! At a ridiculous 300 pages long, this sucker was more offensive than Windows Vista.
Here’s the video of her 300 pages long AT&T bill:

We here at iPoor Ltd. HQ don’t hate trees, we love ‘em as much as this guy! Unlike those amateurs over at AT&T, we realize that we need trees to breathe and hang hammocks from, among other things.

In support of our environment, all iPoor bills will be printed on sheets of 100% pure, natural styrofoam.

at_t_staff_1.jpg
AT&T Staffer at Work

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Speaking to the Masses

Hello,

Let’s see what our visitors are talking about!
***

“Brian wrote:
Is iPoor with AT&T? What’s the service plan?”

We are still weighing our options with a service provider. As of now, iPoor is affiliated with Beaverton Telephone Company, which has a service area of some 120 square miles. Baby steps to globalization!

“NarUt017 wrote:
Sounds great but… will it blend?

Currently the iPoor does not have a blending function per se…however I can assure you it’s bold neon colours will ‘blend in’ with your fashion of choice.

“Viagra wrote:
Hello, nice blog. I love this article. Keep up the good work.

http://free.viagra.casino.blogsplot.com

Thanks for the support, Viagra–stay tuned, I think you’re really going to love what you see in the iPoor. Also, nice site! I love spam, it’s one of my staples as I plug away down here in The Vault.

“Judith wrote:
Hey Nojobs. I’m a grammar Nazi and English Major. You misspelled Manhattan Beach.

I apologize to the people of Mannhattan Beach for my oversight. I left college in Portland, after only one semester. My passion for the coming technological revolution will have to survive some lapses in post high-school education.

***
I’m sorry for not being able to respond to all comments–so much work to do in preparation for L-Day. The feedback is always appreciated!

Want to get in touch with me? Feel free to leave a comment here or Email me

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