Why the iPhone is Evil

apple satan

The iPhone is evil.

I have used deductive reasoning, regular reasoning, and persuasive whining to come to this terrifying and irrefutable conclusion.

Check this Socratic argument:
1. Satan is evil
2. Steve Jobs is good friends with Satan (evil by association)
3. Steve Jobs is the CEO of Apple
4. Apple is the owner of iPhone.
…Therefore, iPhones must be evil.

But the train of revelation doesn’t stop there. Apparently, the higher-ups at Apple have been in bed with Satan for over a decade. The Lord of the Underwhere bought a huge steaming hunk of the corporation back in 1996–and through mass brain-washing, hypnotism, and the inevitable decomposition of the human brain–we’ve somehow forgotten this little transaction.

Steve Jobs has been noted as possessing a “reality distortion field”, which is a sense that tingles when he’s in danger, and also allows him to affect the thoughts of iPhone owners. Using the AT&T network, Jobs is able to reach iPhone users across the country, luring them to the Cult of Apple (or The Apple Cult, or The People’s Cult of Apple). They meet in abandoned warehouses and corn-fields to torture small animals, worship Apple products, and perform other horrific acts.

Need more proof, how about this: who put the ‘apple’ in the Garden of Eden? That’s right, Lucifer.
How about the poisonous herb, known as Satan’s ‘Apple’? Coincidence? Probably!

Resist the urge to buy an iPhone–it’s just Steve Jobs’s reality distortion field trying to reach you!

Beware of the Apple cult. (or any cult in general).

P.S: By the way, don’t forget to join our cult and make a small non-taxable donation of $500.

[Photo credit: http://www.cybeaver.com/]